Sunday, December 2, 2007

i'm not a virgin, i'm irish

how was winter formal last night, for all you social party going people? as you can see in the post before this, i did not go. i did however, get to laugh at my brother when he was getting ready. hey zoey, did you see the posse there? i figured you would have. is ron a good dancer?!? i have pics (hilarious) and i'll see if i can put them in a slide show when ron updates them onto the compy.

so, after getting home last night from my grand-rents house, the first thing that i said was, "who sprayed cologne?" it was horrifying. if anyone has watched doogie howser, you would notice that when teenage males get nervous, they sweat, and to prevent any bad bo, they spray on gallons of man perfume. *gag* this morning it was almost just as bad, and i prolly smell like a boy now.

i had church this morning. advent sermon notes and all that jazz. the usual doodling on the back. nothing special. my mom had to teach sunday school today, (which she started for my sister, even tho she's never there), and we were in the theater, (yes, we have a theater in our church, tho the chairs are very small and it's hard to cross your legs if the want posseses you). it was a short movie about the vergin mary and joseph and the birth of christ. but the good part didn't come until the end when the class had to answer questions about what had happened. one of these questions was, "how could we relate to mary and joseph?" someone practically yelled out that the couple are vergins, (poor unknowing kids) and a wise-cracking little bugger replyed, "i'm not a vergin, i'm irish."

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[welcome.]

navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...