Friday, November 30, 2007

blow out the candle and move on

despite the title of this post, i actually had a fantastic 15th birthday 4 days ago. the highlights of my presents were a sweater, (returned), a fuzzy black box which you shouldn't even bother asking about (soon to be returned), and a red hoodie (which will never be returned... ever). I didn't have a birthday cake, either, which kinda made me sad because that meant i didn't get to light any candles. *scampers of to light the fragrant christmas candle on the entertainment block* me, my mom, my grandma, my brother, my sister and my friend went out to eat a the wonderful applebee's the night of. i had marinara and turkey/chicken, was sung to and ate a brownie and the night was good.
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me

before getting all in depth about my life i feel like i should tell you a little about myself.

  • i am about 6'4'', extremely tall for my age
  • i wear converse every day and think they are the coolest thing
  • i will one day rule the peach-colored chile
  • i have an extra toe on my third foot
  • i have bi-polar disorder
  • i have absolutly one friend and her name is fergus
  • i am going to find a cure for the ingrown toenail
  • i am in a band called "fergus i love you" but we don't tour... anymore
  • i am possibly the coolest person at high school and crowds part before me
  • i have a pet daddy long-leg named penelope, and a snake that has requested to be called burt
  • i entered the talent show with my yo-yo skills and pawned all
  • i had brain sergery twice. the first time was because they had to drain the blood. the second was because i thought it was fun
  • i have have to see a phychologist for my extensive lying

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[welcome.]

navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...