not gunna lie? today hasn't been a very good one. i've grown to hate complaining. people have problems of their own, i don't need to bother them with mine. but sometimes its nice to have someone to listen to my random thoughts. maybe i'll have my own "no one of consiquence" to view this sad excuse for a blog post while roaming the internet? maybe. funny word, maybe. i always think i'm spelling it wrong... heck, maybe i am. anyway, i like being the ear to talk off, or the shoulder to lean on, or the eyes to watch out. i like to think that people can trust me, but i'm not completely convinced that this always goes both ways. i don't completely hate this thought. emotions can be too... messy. they make people look at you different. like that monday at lunch... people who were there know what i mean. i don't know what happened, but everything just seemed to... gang up on me that day. i cracked. but it really showed me that people are there for me, and care, and i guess i needed that. it was a day kind of like today. so far i'm fine... but its the first time that i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to. (dramatic i know... sorry.)
it started with a dream. one of those horribly vivid, surreal dreams that you can completely remember when you wake up, and even connect to whats going on in your life. they suck, fyi. well, at least this one did... i'm not going to go into the sucky details, but there was one line i remember saying right before the dream ended, "it's just that... this is something that i imagined with someone else, and now that person is gone and i'm... lost." interpret as you will, you're never going to guess. X) it was a layered dream for sure. with people who acted exactly like themselves (while some represented other people), a big house that isn't my house, but WAS my house. a room that looked like how my room should. big open windows that looked out on a forest. long hallways with dark reds and teals... a ceiling fan with a burned out light bulb. so much. sounds great, but wasn't. it was awkward and seriously... messed. me. up. when i woke, i could remember it. i almost reflexivly closed my eyes to get back but forced myself to get up when my phone vibrated. my day started with a text.
the group went to HSM3 with brandi. i stayed home because i... didn't feel good. i haven't been able to stop thinking about New York, and the "evening activities" for November 27. which seem so insignificant to everyone but me. so much can happen if i let my new 16 year old self do something about it. i guess we'll see, right? yeah. less than two weeks away. so much can happen.
big news for today? i cut my own hair while they were at the movie. don't freak, apparently its not noticable, considering no one noticed. haha. i just cut the bangs. i figured "heck, if i mess it up i have a haircut in a week right?" i actually like it though. XD a very spontaneous moment on my part. kinda fun.
anyway, i think i'm done. :D
*peace out, girl scouts! cya on the flipside...*
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
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[welcome.]
navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...
