Sunday, September 28, 2008

irondale & buttonhoff.

just yesterday we had a marching compition at irondale in minnisota. it was a good show. me improved on somethings, and we had trouble with others, and we really tried. we put ourselves out there. but even after that, we took a huge step back from our show in marshell a full week ago. i'm not saying that i'm ashamed or dissapointed, but this really shouldn't be happening. we are good, not to toot our own horns, but we are. we have so much potential in every member of the band, we just have to work harder and harder to show it. i almost feel a personal regret. like its somehow my fault that we didn't do our best... i tried. obviously everyone tried. and i don't remember a thing about the show, just the crowd's overwhelming responce to the inverted triangle. i was hopeful. rosemount is good. and they won, and they diserved to win. but there's that feeling, ya' know? the feeling that everyone's talking about. the "...we won," feeling, that no freshman or sophmore of the Lincolh High School Marching band has felt. this was our last real chance to prove ourselves. now all we have to do is improve ourselves. i think this guilty feeling comes when i think about the seniors. this is their last year, and i kinda wanted them to have that feeling one more time before they leave. they know what its like, sure, but its a feeling that you crave after having it once. i wanted them to feel it again, and i wanted to feel it for the first time. but am i dissapointed in our band? no. not really. we tried. now we just have to try again.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

nuff said.

i don't really have anything to blog about, but i feel like i'm getting pressured into it by all of my amazing friends that update theirs quite regularly. wouldn't want to let anyone down... first topic! i have rediscovered my love for jensen ackles and jared leto. i could continue on that topic because they are both so freakin' amazing, but i'll spare you. new subject. facebook! endless hours of fun i tell you. if you don't have one, you should get one. i don't care what anyone says, it so much better than myspace- its just that people hate to admit it. i'm not sure why... doesn't matter to me, i have one of each. i could actually spend hours a day on facebook taking random quizzes that mean absolutely nothing and quite possibly lie right to your face (heard of dade, anyone?). still they're fun. why, just today i found out that i am a normal thinker, have a squeaky clean mind (HA!), and am a chilled out mommy. who knew?!?!

almost at the point of *unfair smoldering* don't you think?

hehehe nuff said.

[welcome.]

navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...