Monday, December 3, 2007

fake fingernails and the rubix cube

today was pretty much a normal day at lincoln high school. the hallways were horribly crowded, and everyone was tired. *sigh* nothing really exciting happened until after band (which i pretty much block out anyway). i was sitting in my desk, right in front of mr. wilson's (vacant seat). we had this terribly long assignment (that i have yet to start) and we had to turn in the assignment from yesterday (which i had yet to finish). and for some strange reason, the person on either side of me decided they would like to talk to me and ask questions about the work that i did not understand. i don't even know their names, (well, okay, i do). the lovely person to my left, who everyone affectionately calls "chewbacca," persistently talked about how twitchy the sub was while trying to write with her impossibly nasty hot pink, fake fingernails. with diamonds. *gag* who knew chewbacca had a feminine side? she was also wearing a sweatshirt inside out. (if anyone would like to try and explain this, go ahead.) finally, when it was quiet and i could actually pretend to be doing my homework, i catch a part of the conversation taking place behind me by a bunch of giggling girls. it went somewhere alone the lines of, "hey ________, you should try the one kind of boose, its the best- you get a buzz so fast. then you can come over to my house...." i dunno, i'm prolly exaggerating. but somehow, i don't think so.

after that class, scott gave me his rubix cube (which i didn't even bother trying to solve) and i immediately was attacked when i entered my next class. i kinda flinched away, and when i sat at my desk, i realized that i know longer had the mysterious little cube. after class starts, someone set it on my desk and before i could touch it, the guy next to be took it and proceeded to solve the darn thing in like 5 seconds flat. the rest of the period was spent with me mixing it up and him solving it. i succeeding once at stumping him, but he figured it out and i was able to get the cube back to scott unscathed.
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[welcome.]

navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...