well... i guess it's summer. i'm sure that i will wake up tomorrow at 8 in the morning and freak out thinking that i'm going to be late for school. it really hasn't hit me that school's over. i actually enjoyed it this year and i really want to hold onto the memories. i can't help but think that some moments from this year might mean more to me then others, and when they think back to the school year i'll just be "another person" and not anyone of consequence. at least that's what it feels like sometimes. anyway, i'm going to miss school, even the learning part. besides, summer seems too long when you don't have a life.
i know that i need to stop getting all "deep" and emotional during these posts, but i've just realized something very important. very recently i've had some problems with my faith. i no longer have that "child-like innocence" where you can believe in everything without proof. i'm always watching and listening and sometimes what i find can make it harder to believe. trust me, i want more than anything to believe in God, someone that is always there watching out for you and loving you and forgiving you. but i think the real reason that i haven't been able to really commit to the idea, no matter how many church services i attend, is because i'm afraid to set myself up for disappointment. when i die, there is supposed to be this wonderful place where i will go and i will live for eternity with God and Jesus and my grandpa and my dad... but i can't help wondering what will happen if that place doesn't exist. you don't even know how hard it is for me to type this, no matter how fast my fingers are going. i hate that i have this doubt in me, like a stone in my heart that's always there and weighing my down so that i can't float through life like the people around me. but that place is all that i could ever ask for, and i have no clue what would happen if when i die, i have to face eternity alone without that.
sorry for the sadness, but its just something that needs to be said. i'll try not to darken your days any more with sad posts, haha. well, i need to go, i'm leaving tomorrow morning for Winona MN and i've been to bed really late all week. i'll try to be a happier poster from now on. :D
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[welcome.]
navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...
1 comment:
Silly Alissa. You're not just "another person." You're my person! It really is a prestigious position so feel honored.
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