Tuesday, February 5, 2008

maximus american idolize party in pantus!

i am so glad that footloose auditions are OVER! don't ask how i did, i really couldn't tell you.... courtney, scott and i waited in the auditorium after the dance auditions for the dry read for like ... an hour and forty five minutes. it was pretty much fantastic to watch. me and courtney were the last girls to go on stage. we were just giving a short script that you would act out with a couple other people. it wasn't too bad. we left right after, and can i just say that it was fugging freazing! especially when you have to hold off freakin' pneumonia while looking for the car keys in the snow.
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[welcome.]

navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...