thanks mel. okay um... not really much to talk about. well, actually i'm sure there is, like the fact that mel's sweater guy was wearing VERY short shorts today and i therefore will never be the same again-- but say we shall avoid that topic and just pretend that it never happened.
um... lunch has officially become the most awkward "class" of the day, and that is including reproduction in bio and sex ed in health and wellness. the reason? jordynn and madhie envited kevin to sit at our lunch table. he is situated between zoey and elias (which, as you might well know, is not a safe place).
just to fill in some room here... i felt nausious during study. i was reading, then i began to feel like i was gunna throw up, then my face felt really hot, like feverish and i started shaking. it got better when i sat down at lunch tho so, all's well that end's well.
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[welcome.]
navigating around the school hallways and seeing the people walk by, i look into their faces. i notice their hair color, whether they wear glasses, what color eyes they have, who they walk with... its corny, but i try to look past all of that, too. once and awhile its nice for someone as shy as me to pass another person in the hall, a complete stranger no less, who dares to make eye contact and sends my heart into flutters. i can't help thinking, "that person saw me." but its not really the act of "seeing" itself, its more the act of "searching," that means most to me. i feel lost. i feel disposable; a picture frame that gets a scratch across the glass and is thrown away, just to be replaced. i don't really have a problem with that, i don't feel like i need to be pitied or ... that i need to seek attention. its the replacement that bothers me. i want to offer something that no one else can, i just haven't found that thing yet. this is just the ramblings of a high school no one who likes to watch rather then do. i like to think of myself as rather quiet, yet excitable and fun to be around. but there's always that underlying feeling of unease and awkwardness, that i've only been able to overcome a few times in my life. i don't want to change who i am. i don't want others to pretend to see in me what they don't. i want people to see the bad side of me, and spend the time searching for the good. i look for the best in others, and often times face the flaws in myself. welcome to my public diary...
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